Au Revoir!

Packing Up! I've decided to migrate to wordpress. Blogspot has been good, but wordpress just seems better. Plus, I'll be merging both my blogs into one : typefarce
http://typefarce.wordpress.com/


Thanks to all the readers for sticking through! :)

Jokepal

As Indian politics turns into a theatre of senility, so does my brain. I propose a Jokepal : a purview of the most hopeless hookups of the extended political bioscope.


1. Digvijay Singh and a Diseased Cow
This should be a happy marriage, seeing that both suffer from acute foot-in-mouth.

2. Rakhi Sawant and Baba Ramdev
Both can start Poga - Pornographic Yoga. All Rakhi needs to do is do Ramdev's breathing exercises, and you've got Busty Bhakti.

3. Bobby Darling and Varun Gandhi
Bobby found a magic lamp. She rubbed it, a Genie appeared. She wished to become Mrs. Gandhi. Poof.

4. Mamata Bannerjee and J Jayalalitha
In the hope that Didi's wardrobe features more than a Missionaries-of-Charity sari, and Jayalalitha's features less of Gemini Studios.

5. Mayawati and Hina Rabani Khar
Behenji desperately needs a Birkin.

6. A Raja and Suresh Kalmadi
Love blossoms in prison. Raja will point the finger, and Kalmadi will forget what its called. Perfect bliss.

7. B S Yeddyurappa and Venkaiah Naidu
Others break coconuts for good luck. Yeddy does a laptop.

8. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav
'Do bichare... bina sahare...'

9. Rahul Gandhi and Katrina Kaif
Two "half-indians" and happily ever after.

meh.

Oh My EKIA

Osama's dead and gone, but crap isn't.


Things you wouldn't expect out of the Abottabad raid:


1. Benazir Bhutto, alive, with her famed collection of Mills and Boon.


2. Osama Bin Laden with Benazir's collection of Mills and Boon - his interpretation of Forty Virgins in Paradise.


3. Bobby Darling trying to qualify as one of the forty virgins.


4. Sherni Number One. Yes its out of the blue, but then again, so is the Hindi name for Lara Croft : Tomb Raider. So much for her gravity defying bust. 


5. Meera Khan interviewing Osama. 'I Hate to Cut You Off...'


6. Air India's striking pilots. They're fake anyway.


7. Mamta Bannerjee, Osa-Maa, Osa-Maati and Osa-Maanush (crappy, but so is her campaign)


8. CPI(M)'s Politburo, because their campaign is crappier.


9. Obama! Because he's secretly Muslim. There you go, America!


10. Aaj Tak. Sabse Tez.


11. The Big Boss Mansion. Oh wait, BIGG Boss.


12. The guy who started the stupid 'Osama on Facebook' Status Updates joke.


13. Dawood Ibrahim. Karachi's not his league.


14. Lady GaGa shooting her latest video.


15. Rajnikanth. 


Ahmedabad is eating into my sense of humour. Yet I type.

The Golden Bawdis

The Filmfare Awards might as well be dubbed the Golden Gigolos. The last edition tastefully handed out the most useless set of awards in living history. Pure sacrilege, in my opinion. And opinionated as I am, I've decided to (dis)honour my own celluloid choices : The Golden Bawdis!

And The Bawdi Goes To...

Actor in a Supporting Role

Irrfan Khan for Hisss
"For his brazenly brainless choice of project. Irrfan Khan skillfully executes the role of a police inspector and husband of an infertile wife, helping a Nagin do social service and seek vengeance for her murdered slitherer, in the same breath... er... hiss."

Actress in a Supporting Role

Sushmita Sen for No Problem
"For her stupendous 'comeback'. Sush manages to portray the wife of a useless cop, and also a daughter to Shakti Kapoor. Added to this achievement is her elan in playing a woman with a timebound-split-personality disorder - for ten minutes each day, she transcends the devoted bahu to turn into a femme fatale intent on murdering her husband."

Actor in a Leading Role

Akshay Kumar for Housefull, Khatta Meetha, Action Replayy and Tees Maar Khan
"For his unlimited amount of self-confidence. A string of four of the most hopeless movies made in the history of cinema will hopefully remind Mr Kumar that there is more to acting than making an ass of yourself on screen. And what an ass he is."

Special Mention : Hrithik Roshan for Guzaarish
Citation : Is He Dead Yet?

"While popular critical response remains appreciative, it should be pointed out that the Hrithik Roshan remains an actor who effortlessly overacts, and even more so in roles that require him to be with some sort of mental or physical handicap. In Guzaarish, Hrithik infuriates us with his portrayal of a physically handicapped magician with a penchant for useless one-liners. He only leaves the viewer asking 'is he dead yet?'."

Actress in a Leading Role

Mallika Sherawat for Hisss
"For succesfully removing all traces of her sexual connotations. Mallika Sherawat portrays a repulsive nagin who seeks the man who imprisons and eventually murders her love-serpent, while helping women in need on the way (including making an infertile woman pregnant). However, her star accolade remains the most repulsive sexual act in recent cinematic history - that with a fellow snake."

Special Mention : Tabu for Toh Baat Pakki

"Another example of choices gone wrong, Tabu portrays the role of a sister desperate to find a right groom for her giggly-brainless sister, and zeroes in on Sharman Joshi and what seems like a transgender supporting actor as prospectives. Her performance is credible and believable, but that, unfortunately, is not something to boast of."

Director

Pooja Bhatt for Kajraare

"Pooja Bhatt gives failed directors a run for their money. Not only did she direct the atrocity that is Himesh Reshammiya, Bhatt's labour of love was discredited by her backing studio. Kajraare was given a formal, one weekend release in two Bombay theatres and will be de-facto launched direct to television later. Here's to her proving that the depths of directing are never too shallow."

Movie

Hisss

"As has been mentioned before, Hisss is a spectacularly hopeless rendition of the Nagin tradition. It infuses a she-snake with sensuality and social responsibility and lets her loose. A range of worthless performances aid the film to its Golden Bawdi."

Special Mention : Kites

"Apart from picking up a story lifted from what seems to be a Vegas Porno flick, Kites manages to make Hrithik look like a worse actor than he is, and reduce a sultry Mexican to being little more than a dumb stripper who eventually drives off a cliff."

Videographic

The silliest music videos, anyone? Here's my pick.


1. 'Your Disco Needs You' by Kylie Minogue

And this drag-queen-celebration comes from the woman who gave us Can't Get You Out Of My Head! Probably the gay anthem of the millenium, but its so damn catchy...


2. 'Physical' by Olivia Newton John

I love this song, but the video remains one of the biggest laugh riots I've ever been through, and its not a thing to boast of. The video, however, does match up to the song's brazen-ness, considering the time frame in which it was launched. A cultural landmark, then, now, forever.


3. 'I'm Too Sexy' by Right Said Fred

How much worse can it get? I don't even have the wits to comment.


4. 'Boom Boom' by Nazia Hassan

We all love Indipop (or atleast I do), but this video is a perfect weapon - in case you ever want to prove to your elder brother/sister who was a teen in the 90s that his generation is more stupid than ours. 


5. 'I Want to Love You Tender' by Armi ja Danny

The video compliments the song in its stupidity. Even beats it. But those extras are the best ever! Am I the only one, or does the song feel like a Revolutionary Russian Song adapted to a ballad?


6. 'Hooked on a Feeling' by David Hasselhof

Hooga Hooga Ooga Chaka? Yup. Looks like the Hof left his brains inside Pamela's implants.


7. 'The Music's No Good Without You' by Cher

Yes, she's a diva, but this... (oddly, it feels slightly inspired by 'Made in India')


8. 'Tunak Tunak Tun' by Daler Mahendi

An ode to the Punjabi Paunch; and a  million questions. Including why on earth the background features the St. Basil's Cathedral.


9. 'Rock the Casbah' by The Clash

Ah, Americans... 


10. 'I Am A Disco Dancer' by Mithun Chakraborty (The singer can go to hell)

And here's the crowning glory. Words escape me. I can only thank (?) the friend who made me sit through this. 

The Extra-Terrestrial

{Before I get raped by the ongoing Housing design semester, I want to properly sign off for a two-week hiatus (till my Design Jury on the 3rd, atleast)}




How often have you tuned into a Bollywood number and seen flashes of colour-coded dancers behind the gyrating filmstar? Well, extras may remain blurred behind the pallu, but these unsung heroes provide quite a lot of conversation material when it comes to discussing Bollywood Quirks. Here's quick critique through ten (self proclaimed) exceptional cases of the quintessential bollywood extra.





Theres no better way to create fusion dances than intersperse pseudo-ballets with violent fits of 'adaab', Add in a lot of green bell-bottoms and armpit stains to match the lead-actresses, and we've got a winning combo. Here's the perfect example of the bollywood extra as a set of cloned background fillers. Mubaraka Mubaraka from Dil Pardesi Ho Gaya, veritable box-office dud.





Heres the sequence where the extras do the dance (read bobbing around) while the leads wander around in slutty contemplation. Notice that  although each extra wears a horrendous outfit (sequinned bikini tops for blouses? Ekta Kapoor's better), their rhythmic bobbing and dulhan-ki-saheli dimwittedness succesfully draw attention away from the misgivings of the leads acting prowess-es. Saajan Saajan Saajan from Barssat, before Priyanka Chopra learned to act and Bipasha Basu lost weight.





Probably the most famous set of Bollywood Extras in Indian Cinematic history. Who can't help visualizing a dozen dupatta-shimmying punjabi females rise slowly out of mustard fields while you gaze out from a train between Ludhiana and Jalandhar? Even more so if you have to do the same when you're in the middle of Trafalgar square and have to make do with pigeons rather than the salwar-kameez brigade. A succesful case of extras-given-and-getting attention. Ghar Aaja Pardesi from Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, bollywood behemoth and yardstick for all nri-dramas to follow.





Here's the extra who has no other work than showing us how the dance steps are correctly executed, in case our gifted lead doesn't realize that there is more to dance than boob-and-butt thrusts, and her choreographer stops showing that fat people can dance too. Koi Aaye Toh Le Jaye from Ghatak, a movie largely notable for Mamta Kulkarni's surprising survival in Bollywood.





The bollywood extra that affirms to a social fact - that the average Indian male is horny and alcoholic, and would willingly lust after beautiful czech women who pop up in drinking binges riding a buffalo. A clever trick, as PETA remains unable to figure out which animal is opressed. Babuji Zara Dheere Chalo from Dum, more famous for this song (and Yana Gupta) than anything else, including Viveik Oberoi's lamentable acting skills.





Similar to the above, but slightly different in its portrayal of the lawless north Indian male. Also, testimony to the fact that most Indian men have two left feet and may occasionally need a gyrating female in order to behave like sex-starved buffoons. Main Aayi Hoon UP Bihar Lootne from Shool, which catapulted Shilpa Shetty to her standing as the most succesful waist-management executive in Indian movies.





The extra does not need to be a youngster who can dance - it can be a group of adam-teasing females as well! Here's the bollywood ode to aunties who think age has no place in having fun (or in synchronized dancing around sewing machines). Also, a lingering sense of Jane Fonda in the purely aerobic-studio feel to the choreography. Chikni Soorat from Hum Hai Rahi Pyaar Ke, a memorable movie with little to lament about, honestly.





Weddings honestly bring out the silliest in extra-terrestrial behaviour. Apart from what seems to be a transgender bullfrog taking the lead vocals (and visualization), there is a whole range of  witless shaadi-goers who seem to have been picked from a sprinkling of Complan, VICCO and other FMCG advertisements. Dhinak Dhinak Dha from Parineeta, a song that destroys the otherwise fine roster of songs from a finer movie.





Heres the set of extras that probably go on to specialize in opening ceremonies of mega sporting events the world over, having displayed prowess in dancing like they're overdosed on viagra in costumes of that overwhelming magnitude. Dola Re from Devdas, a fitting over-the-top tribute to an over-the-top magnum opus.





The extra who works with a director kind enough to give each one a personal screenshot gets away with proving that exaggeration is an art indeed. Apart form impossibly idiotic eye-popping faces, the video is also an excellent documentation of the grunge/everyday look that was once the rage of all of tinsel town and bollywood songs, replete with a cast of extras that can give 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' a run for its money when it comes to social inclusivity. Rangeela Re from Rangeela, which, in my opinion, is the one song that successfully characterizes the charged up bollywood youth.


Understandably, many more exist. Do leave them in comments.


Until next time, Au Revoir.

music/metro/urbanity

{My favourite movie scene ever - a clip from the movie 'Babel', directed by Alejandro Gonzales Inaritu, music by Gustavo Santaolalla (who won the oscar for this)}

iPod on. Genius option under use. 'Notes' being used to prepare rough timeline.

'Secret Garden' by Madonna

Having passed through security and floor polishers, I'm standing (alone) on a platform floating between the 10.45 pm darkness of the eternally-under-construction Aastha Kunj and the halogen-lit towers of Nehru Place. 

'Stepping Stones' by The Aditya Balani Group

I can make out the outline of the Lotus Temple in the skyline. Takes a hard bit of peering, but the curve is there. Silly smile on my face. A train appears out of nowhere, taking a bend in nothingness. I board and take a corner seat, two strangers sit at the far-end of the coach, fiddling on their mobiles. As the train passes by the Intercontinental Eros, the diwali lights of residential Delhi and random establishments blur past, and the song draws to a close.

'I Set my Face to the Hillside' by Tortoise 

I'm approaching Ring Road now, the Moolchand crossing underneath. Headlights and Tail-lights stream by at a four-level crossing. I can see the illuminated dome of the Humayun's Tomb in a distance and as the train curves down toward the underground, the remnant spotlights on Nehru Stadium and what I think are the lights of Rajpath and India Gate. I realize that my camera is not the only reason why I love this city.

'Cry me a River' by Julie London

'

The train is now underground, and the volume is raised. Empty stations, through opened doors. An empty train reflected in the window glass.

'The Flower Called Nowhere' by Stereolab

Changing trains at Central Secretariat. Never seen the station so empty. Couple of people around, all running to catch the last train. Another seat, but a coach with a dozen more people.

'Sparks' by Royksopp

More people stream in at Rajiv Chowk. An equal number stream out at Kashmere Gate. The train is empty once more.

'Lost in a Moment' by Shrift

More empty stations. Emptier coach. A metropolis of twenty million above. Alone, underneath.

'Crystal Illusions' by Sergio Mendes and Brasil'66

Walking out of Vishwavidyalaya Metro Station. Decide to sit and wait for a bus, knowing that it won't come. Just an excuse to enjoy the song. More traffic streams past. Sort of like long-exposure photography re-interpreted in terms of bossa nova. Finally decide to hail a Rickshaw. 

'Corcovado (Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars)' by Antonio Carlos Jobim, Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto

Chilly November air. Adrenalin fuelled Rickshaw-wala. Streetlights. Home in sight.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

The music paused. Restiveness awaits.

'I'll be Home for Dinner' by deviantArt-ist Kvikken.