stupidity central

an advocate was apprehended by the police near jawaharlal nehru stadium a few days ago. his crime? stealing flowerpots. or gamlas, as i'd call them. way to go, legal eagle. apart from going gaga over a potted plant, you've inspired a brand new blog entry.

delhi - stupidity central.

don't get me wrong. i love delhi, and as all my friends and relatives know, it beats the ass out of any other city in the country. and part of the city's charms are its witless side-dishes.

1. 'corpses not allowed'

oh dear. i doubt anyone would want to carry a dead body for cremation at nigambodh ghat using delhi metro. however, just in case, the metro ensures that the deceased are carried forth in less crowded means of commuting.

2. 'ladies seat', 'bhaiya, ladies ko jagah deejiye', 'aaj kal ke ladke... (*^@*&#^*'

you know, i'd rather pay taxes to have women out of delhi's public transport systems. the young ones don't sit and giggle as if hell has broken loose. the middle aged ones do not take the seats provided for them and stand and grumble. worse still, they lose all pretenses about their unflattering looks, and believe that all of mankind is out to rape them. trust me (and us), we do not want living nightmares. the old ones, though, are all kind and generous.

3. 'keep right for i.s.b.t.'

this sign wouldn't be here if it was on a big blue overhead board rather than printed on an a3 sheet, laminated (to add shine) and left to hang from the newly planted trees along ring road. i can only commend the police officer who felt the need to give lost drivers some direction. too bad you can't see the sign in the foliage.

4. 'bhoomigat paidal paar path'
sanskritization  may be a debatable issue, but this is plain stupid. it takes five minutes for a person to figure out that the above is actually a subway (irrespective of his/her english knowledge).


5. 'tera tera teraaa surroooooooor...'
yes, your phone can play mp3 ringtones, but that is no reason to subject the next person by selecting the most horrendous ringtones known to mankind. and that includes 'lal lal kurti mein gora sa badan', 'de de party tu aaj meri jaan' and other haryanvi horrors.


many more exist... go ahead and state.

bawdi's big boss

what with bigg boss making waves in its self created seas of idiocy, my mind takes flights of fancy... what if i picked the next bigg boss inmates? well, i'd make sure things get rocky... here's my selection for future editions of bigg boss...

season 5

the pakistani flag, the pakistani delegation to the commonwealth games, and suresh kalmadi - and we shall watch the delegation bicker for the flag while kalmadi deviously screws them all.

season 6

mamta bannerjee, ratan tata and a gear box. that nano issue will reach its grandest ending.

season 7

lalit bhanot and a w/c. no elaboration needed - theres shit in both of them, and neither can figure out the other.

season 8

rakhi sawant and that lady of justice statue you see in courts. to see whose 'insaaf' is blinder and better.

season 9

lindsay lohan, sasha baron cohen and the human psyche. the winner will be the first one to say, "Hello, I am Lindsay Lohan..."

season 10

raj thackeray and laloo prasad yadav. marathi manoos vs the bihari babu, while we kill two birds with one stone... err... trp.

season 11

mayawati and louis vuitton - let the battle of the handbags begin.

season 12

bobby darling and aryan vaid. for those who don't know, and most don't, bobby was singing "Main teri hi jaanu (I am yours, O beloved)" while aryan swam in a small pool in small trunks, in their first bigg boss stint. this should make the show borderline disgusting.

season 13

robert pattison and a million twilight fans. everybody will be satisfied - dead edward, lust satiated fans, and relieved outsiders shocked at the brouhaha over an attractive bloodsucker.

season 14

an australian, a washing machine and sachin tendulkar. all of them willingly blast tons.

season 15

mandira bedi and a wok full of noodles. the winner will be the 'strappiest'.

any ideas for further seasons? comment! (yes, its a desperate plea to get some, seeing that my blog has been comment-less)

Ode to the CWG

(i've been angered by a few facebookers who prompted me to write this out)

Alright-

to those who said the games would not happen

to those who said the games should not happen

go get a life.

I've seen a couple of caustic remarks on facebook from people who can't even manage a group of five for ten minutes. I'd like to see them manage a city of twenty million for fourteen days DEMOCRATICALLY and then act oh-so-intellectual about it. For god's sake, have the ability to be objective before self appointing yourself as critic supreme. The games HAVE been a decent success, and obviously, an awesome learning experience for anything in the future. Glitches remain, but then again, the current generation of the country's karta-dhartas need to get their asses out of a system that they have screwed till no end.

The opening ceremony was awesome. I won't bother explaining the hows and whys and whats.

The games went off pretty well - I attended a few events, and can justifiably say so.

As far as the closing ceremony is concerned, it was a bit stretchy, and half as good as the opening, but still a fun show to go through. The schoolkids segment was great, and for gods sake, do you expect 15000 firangi delegates to sit through a selection of Indian music alone? They WERE dancing it out to shaan and shiamak on one love and whatever (i won't comment on their english singing abilities as i've heard myself do the same) , so shut your trap.

And for gods sake, Glasgow's sequence was nice at best - a set of blimps and chunni-stretching Scotsmen creating a Scottish flag next to the aerostat above their heads - VERY impressive, right? X( (that was sarcastic, if you didn't get it still)

So, to conclude, I shall temper my temper. PLEASE look at things objectively - you now have a city that you can drive in easily, a metro system that you can boast of, good sporting facilities, and for my fellow architects - FOOTPATHS YOU CAN WALK ON (isn't that what you've been crying for for over a decade in your cars now?) ! There are more people using these things than living in our levels of comfort, its a great gift for them. I for one, find it half as cumbersome now to head across the city than a month ago. Don't go cribbing about post-games maintenance - you'll have yourselves to blame. The legacy is for us to propogate and appreciate, so stop throwing mud at your own reflections.

I hope better sense prevails. And Happy Puja/Navratris/Dussehra to all. :)

Postscript

Undoubtedly, the days to follow will see a lot of mudslinging, and the sting operations and revelations and what not. Can't comment on that, but atleast those who made things difficult will get caught.

And also, there are still going to be those who take the Mani Shankar Aiyar stand on things - "The money could have been better spent...". HOW? He never managed a single sane decision in his tenure as minister, and I don't expect these soothsayers to come up with practical solutions. The games were a big blow-up, yes, but do you realize that we've won 101 medals (there's your hidden talent), apart from good exposure and better infrastructure? Tell me, did you HONESTLY know that lawn bowls was a sport that existed before this? Or that the commonwealth is so huge? Go, spend your money "better". Things happen in steps, and Pride always sets an example that people will WANT to follow rather than acting purely for necessity's sake. Hypocrites.

Post-Post Script

The discussion has evolved, and I'd like to clarify a few things. One can say that the overall theme for the final ceremony was not in the best of tastes - too mass oriented with its bollywood bent. I can only fairly say that the organizers were looking at a target audience as huge as you could imagine. In all fairness, they would have to be mass oriented! The panache WAS missing, but I reassert, thats not the best rationale to lambast the thing.

And, we've now a platform to judge ourselves on! Don't we now expect much more of ourselves? This wouldn't have been possible if we were left groping in the dark while were "spending wisely".

And a final and, I went to the games with my group of friends with pre-arranged tickets that one of them went and bought after waiting for an hour, and as one friend points out, might give me a false impression of things. First off, obviously I'd go with a 'group' rather than people I don't particularly enjoy hanging around. Secondly, the poor guy who took the effort to go and get tickets agrees with my stand on things. Ask Abhinav Gupta (sorry for naming him) if you think I'm bluffing.

I'd really appreciate views on all that I've said.

soundtrack for a seven hour roadtrip from delhi to shekhawati via the haryanvi hinterland. and back.

nothing matches the indian hinterland quite like the drive from delhi to my village in rajasthan, passing through mofussil india's most inspiringly boring towns, where the most interesting things are usually the names (chirawa, rewari and narnaul), apart from the odd sari (and ghoonghat) clad motorcyclist, like a new age kali off to behead mahishasura on a pulsar.

and my companion on this enlightening journey was my ipod. i concede. apple rules.

seven hours later, i found myself a list of songs perfect for that roadtrip. here we go.

1. when the engine starts and the car picks up

the slow build up to speed. the excitement of the oncoming journey. all very romantic till you're stuck in a jam on outer ring road.

around the world | daft punk


2. speeding it up on the highway

true, as we hit a 100 on the rather uninspiring nh-8, watching dividers zoom by before veering out of the way of a truck which seems to have evolved from a rampaging bull, you appreciate the beauty of a smooth highway.

the english motorway system | black box recorder

3. off the expressway, into the hinterland

when the sign points to rewari, and the ramp curves into a thicket of trees, you get all romantic - the hinterland awaits. and true to its mystic attraction, the sight of the silk smita-esque pulsar driver honking at a slow tractor makes you realize that haryana truly is great.

possibly maybe | bjork

4. the town(s) of potholed roads

the romance enters a patchy phase when dramatic settlements like narnaul and rewari give to you their roadways. and the potholes.

these magnificent rubble holes jostle your entire being, and are effective chiropractors. as your booty sways to the shaking vehicle, disco fills up your mind.

rambha ho | bappi lahiri, feat vocals by usha uthup

5. held up by the bovine

and just when you think the potholes have passed away, you are stopped for a special screening of seductive cows and macho buffaloes peacefully crossing the road, at a pace that makes you fully appreciate the sway of their hindsides.

slow | kylie minogue

6. between sun and sand

adrenaline runs high again on those tarmac goddesses with sand on either side and the sun in a deep blue sky blazing down. truly, the sanest part of the roadtrip.

neon beanbag | stereolab

7. the destination in sight

the promise of a soft bed, a calm sleep and a warm dinner makes you mellow. the onset of evening makes it better.

ay hairathe ashiqui | a r rahman, feat vocals by alka yagnik and hariharan

8. depart again

as you rise at an unearthly hour when all is still dark, and bats fly out where you expect peacocks, you slowly realize you are in the middle of a star lit desert, and that the moonlight is strong enough for you to read your novels in. the drama of the expanse sets in.

felt mountain | goldfrapp

9. desert sunrise

and you're sleepy. and you're in the car. and on a road that stretches on forever.

then you catch sight of the sun rising over mustard fields and sandy knolls, and all is redeemed.

songbird | music from the lonely planet

10. breakfast at the dhaba

a brick structure painted in garish green goes by the name of baghban but whips up less melodramatic samosas and chai. as you sit in your car, sarson ke khet to the left and the state highway to the right, you half expect bollywood to conjure itself up.

ghar aaja pardesi | jatin lalit, feat vocals by pamela chopra and manpreet

11. mofussil vegetables

as you drive back through old pal rewari, and stop in its excruciatingly morose subzi mandi, you pick up vegetables that are proof of the great indian agro life. 

ch. galaxy | towa tei

12. back on smooth tarmac

the road curves gently back onto the expressway, and you realize that you are back in the future, and are slowly inching back into you comfort zone.

bossa for jackie (dedicated to mrs. kennedy) | fantastic plastic machine

13. urbanity revisited

the huge jockey ad hanging by the side of a hafeez contractor neogothic tower (the two are perfect for each other) points out that you are back in urbania. 

ray of light | madonna

14. home again

and the car turns into the driveway. home sweet home.

bluestocking | momus

playlist for 1-14

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

15. looking back

and as i write this blog, one final song reverberates. a classic that has come to define conceptual music, as well as fit this post perfectly.

autobahn | kraftwerk

	Kraftwerk - Autobahn .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

bwg to cwg

i've just finished watching an impressive opening ceremony for the 2010 commonwealth games, and i must say, kalmadi and company have redeemed themselves. i might even consider voting the congress back in, next elections.


so here's setting the record straight.


it wasn't all that rosy, parts of the show sucked -


1. doordarshan telecasts - with 5 minute long ads that stretched the ceremony to an hour after the real thing had ended. evidently, doordarshan has made all the money it has lost since star plus came around. if it weren't for the indian railways ad, doordarshan could have transformed a good effort into the most boring spectacle of mankind.


2. doordarshan presenters - the guy should be mummified. hopelessly un-informed. and that female? with a hint of cleavage? doordarshan, get a life.


3. 'dear mr. xyz, and mr. abc, and mr. 123, and mr...' - bureaucrats will never change. the idiots. for gods sake, leave the buttering up for once. it may do no harm the butter-er or the butter-ed, but the bread (us) is the one who ends up having high cholesterol. bad joke and pun, but the intentions are good, anyway.


4. co-ordination blues - didn't really come out as much, but there was a visible co-ordination issue among the dancers. or maybe it was just the indian-ness coming out.


5. 'mile sur mera tumhara...' - the whole ceremony did list towards the 'unity in diversity' pitch, and we seriously need to move away from stereotyping all mega-events as such.


but, the show was god damn awesome -


1. i cant stop praising indian railways - amazing theme, excellent orchestration. the only part of the show that actually captured indian life, as it is.


2. the indian railways advert needs a special mention. what started as what i thought was a vodafone commercial ended with nice little surprise. and the calcutta setting... :)


3. the lightworks - the tensile looked great, both on the field and out of it, thanks to the great lighting system in place


4. the fireworks - which continued their reign as the best part of opening ceremonies the world over.


5. the aerostat - the blimp rocked. hands down.


and thankfully international reception has been good, for the most part.


1. bbc called the show 'borderline magical' in its opening ceremony.


2. the australians are an impressed lot as well. the herald sun calls the show 'brilliant' under a special section labelled 'delhi dazzles' and in a poll, 92% respondents are glad they stayed up past the witching the hour to catch the live telecast. the australian reports 'india sweeps aside game shame'.


3. for a nation that does not participate in the cwg, usa's cnn carried the delhi games report at the very top and calls the ceremony 'lavish' but is yet to update the whole section.


4. uk's the daily mail has no mention of the event on its front page... or the site listings for that matter. for them, the rain halted ryder cup (golf) holds precedence, as they ponder on the state of the waterlogged (read puddles) course. apart from a small rider saying 'fear of attack looms over commonwealth games opening'. xenophobes. X(


5.  canada's the star says 'cwg opening ceremony goes off without a hitch'. not very flattering as a title. 'You could almost hear the estimated 64,000 in attendance at New Delhi’s renovated Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium breath a collective sigh of relief.' yeah. up his ass, probably. X(


6. the globe and mail, another canadian, has been less xenophobic, but relatively mum on the whole extravaganza. and all this from a country which apart from hosting an equally, if not more, chaotic set of cwgs, also took 30 years to clear the debts of what is called the biggest debacle in olympic history - montreal 76.


7. the kiwis were closer to aussies - the nz herald calls the opening ceremony 'spectacular' and gives a nice review with odd sprinklings of 'exotic', 'colourful', 'exciting' and 'breathtaking'.


8. back to the uk. the website of the daily mirror hit me as a porn classified at first, and digging deep into the sport section, one finds an impressed reviewer, though his report lies buried between the sexiest men of the week and a discussion on posh beckham's bust.


and now, for some tongue in cheek. awards for the night's performances -


1. the redemption award - suresh kalmadi and company, for narrowly escaping the death penalty by delivering a satisfying show.


2. the worst dressed award - shared by pratibha patil and mamta bannerjee. while patil continued to wipe off sweat and sport a full sleeve blouse (in the heat) in the same breath, mamta managed to succesfully look like mother teresa as a tihar inmate. ar rahman would be the runner up for wearing his shoe-choice.


3. the historian award - to suresh kalmadi again, for reliving half of india's modern political history in his dedication speech and forcing all others to do the same.


4. the moneymaker award - to doordarshan, for making more money on adverts than it has ever done in its existence.


5. the lightweight award - to the helium blimp, or as every official will tell you, the aerostat. as spectacular as they claimed.


6. the politically incorrect award - to doordarshan commentators, for forgetting camilla parker bowles' surname, then changing it to camilla parking balls, before establishing bonhomie by simply calling her camilia. no long legs, k3g style, to talk off though.


7. the invisible award - the flame of the queens baton. did anyone see a fire in the stick?


8. the fancy dress award - to the women carrying the nations signposts in the march of the nations segment. 71 different dresses, and the commentator rightly said 'designers ko isse bahut saare ideas mil rahe hoge'.


9. the snubbed award - poor old shera. he was the mascot, but did anyone see him in the ceremony?


10. the late latif awards - shared by all dads who maintained that dd's hour late telecast was 'live', and our globe hopping compatriots who missed an entertaining evening. the loss is theirs.

under the bawdi tree : enlightenment

one day, as the saint meditated under the bawdi tree, he saw scenes from his life flash by - a disappointing stepwell, a hungry bengali, a violated backside and a name that stuck. as bawdi introspected under the bawdi tree, he approached a higher state of being, where crap was beautiful, where humour was god and sarcasm and cynicism his consorts. as the white light in his mind's eye grew brighter and all encompassing, another visual focused itself on his mind's walls.

a google chrome window.

as he came to terms with his limitless genius, he realized that his knowledge should be spread far and wide. his discourses found his way on a blog, and through the internet, he organized bawdi-ism - the revolutionary faith that propagated love for all things nonsensical. the blog eventually became the religious canon - bawdispeak.

today onwards, we revisit this lost religion and try and redecipher its path to salvation. the methods are many - from mamta kulkarni retrospectives to discussing mayawati's wardrobe change. all you need is an open mind, and a love for all things crappy.

peace be with you.