The Golden Bawdis

The Filmfare Awards might as well be dubbed the Golden Gigolos. The last edition tastefully handed out the most useless set of awards in living history. Pure sacrilege, in my opinion. And opinionated as I am, I've decided to (dis)honour my own celluloid choices : The Golden Bawdis!

And The Bawdi Goes To...

Actor in a Supporting Role

Irrfan Khan for Hisss
"For his brazenly brainless choice of project. Irrfan Khan skillfully executes the role of a police inspector and husband of an infertile wife, helping a Nagin do social service and seek vengeance for her murdered slitherer, in the same breath... er... hiss."

Actress in a Supporting Role

Sushmita Sen for No Problem
"For her stupendous 'comeback'. Sush manages to portray the wife of a useless cop, and also a daughter to Shakti Kapoor. Added to this achievement is her elan in playing a woman with a timebound-split-personality disorder - for ten minutes each day, she transcends the devoted bahu to turn into a femme fatale intent on murdering her husband."

Actor in a Leading Role

Akshay Kumar for Housefull, Khatta Meetha, Action Replayy and Tees Maar Khan
"For his unlimited amount of self-confidence. A string of four of the most hopeless movies made in the history of cinema will hopefully remind Mr Kumar that there is more to acting than making an ass of yourself on screen. And what an ass he is."

Special Mention : Hrithik Roshan for Guzaarish
Citation : Is He Dead Yet?

"While popular critical response remains appreciative, it should be pointed out that the Hrithik Roshan remains an actor who effortlessly overacts, and even more so in roles that require him to be with some sort of mental or physical handicap. In Guzaarish, Hrithik infuriates us with his portrayal of a physically handicapped magician with a penchant for useless one-liners. He only leaves the viewer asking 'is he dead yet?'."

Actress in a Leading Role

Mallika Sherawat for Hisss
"For succesfully removing all traces of her sexual connotations. Mallika Sherawat portrays a repulsive nagin who seeks the man who imprisons and eventually murders her love-serpent, while helping women in need on the way (including making an infertile woman pregnant). However, her star accolade remains the most repulsive sexual act in recent cinematic history - that with a fellow snake."

Special Mention : Tabu for Toh Baat Pakki

"Another example of choices gone wrong, Tabu portrays the role of a sister desperate to find a right groom for her giggly-brainless sister, and zeroes in on Sharman Joshi and what seems like a transgender supporting actor as prospectives. Her performance is credible and believable, but that, unfortunately, is not something to boast of."

Director

Pooja Bhatt for Kajraare

"Pooja Bhatt gives failed directors a run for their money. Not only did she direct the atrocity that is Himesh Reshammiya, Bhatt's labour of love was discredited by her backing studio. Kajraare was given a formal, one weekend release in two Bombay theatres and will be de-facto launched direct to television later. Here's to her proving that the depths of directing are never too shallow."

Movie

Hisss

"As has been mentioned before, Hisss is a spectacularly hopeless rendition of the Nagin tradition. It infuses a she-snake with sensuality and social responsibility and lets her loose. A range of worthless performances aid the film to its Golden Bawdi."

Special Mention : Kites

"Apart from picking up a story lifted from what seems to be a Vegas Porno flick, Kites manages to make Hrithik look like a worse actor than he is, and reduce a sultry Mexican to being little more than a dumb stripper who eventually drives off a cliff."